I don't think we as human beings actually ever want to die. Even though it can
sometimes feel like it. Sometimes feel it so strong that we take our own
life. I have felt it! I have also felt so bad that I was sure I would
die any second. Then after that second passed and I didn't die, I
thought ok, NOW! ...no, ok now...well I didn't die I just felt a bit
worse and hoped I would die. Then when I realized and accepted why I felt so shit and in so
much pain (physical pain) I could feel my body rotting and burning up at
same time from the inside. I thought and promised to my self (and even
praying) ; save me and take away this pain just this last time, this one
time! And I will NEVER do what I did that caused it again!
I thought that now that I know what cased it that I would never have to
feel like that again. Well I don't know how many more times I felt like
that again, a lot, I've lost count. It's easy, just don't do it again.
NOT easy at all actually. I was sure it was impossible for me. Even
seeing friends like Andrew Reynolds do it. Jim Greco and Shane Heyl are
also doing it. I still thought; no but I (me) I can't do it. Not me I'm
not like them and they're not like me, it's not the same, blah blah
Why did I think I couldn't do it?
Because I'm an addict and "The Bug" in my brain that I have that makes
me an addict NEVER wants me to get better. Never EVER, and I know that
because even after 405 days free from the shit that made me want to die
"The Bug" is still hanging around in my brain.
I have a friend who has helped me through the hardest parts (so far)
which was the first 3 months. And then after 9 months " The Bug" took
over and this person that I care for a lot is gone back to using. And
that is so scary and so sad to see. I know "The Bug" is still hanging
around in me because the first thing I thought was; "oh good, well I'm
gonna start using too now!"
Even though I know using is not an option or the answer, I still thought
it. It was the first thing I thought. It came to me and my brain like
by autopilot. But I still didn't do it.
"The Bug" turns us (addicts)
into something we don't wanna be and "The Bug" tells us it's ok and
fuck them and the world, this is you, this is what you want. I've seen
and experienced it with my friend that it's happening to now. It doesn't take long at all. So fast it turns
us into fucking monsters and someone who is not really us. I know this
but it's still painful and sad when someone you care for is being unkind
to you. I told my wife and she said, "well what do you think you were
like?" (Or something like that)
That made me think about how unkind I had been and how fucked up I have
behaved. I know now that most of it was because I had done everything
The Bug had told me straight away. It's not an excuse and I know I have to be really careful
and always aware not to become a slave to The Bug again. I know that as soon as I use that's what happens.
The fucking Bug turns me into a fucking monster. And wants to take
whoever it can with it to become slave for it. The fucking Bug that tricks me in
to believing that I want to become a slave, I want to feel like shit, I
want to be unkind, AND I want to want things! It's a one day at a time type thing for me still. And probably for a long time but that's ok because it's better than giving up and giving in.
I pray for you S, please don't let The Bug win and take over your life.
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- ▼ September (12)