Doing a thing for Ride Sverige and they asked me what makes me happy. And this is one thing; 

Walks with Peggy makes me happy. When on walkies I observe her, thinking about what she might be thinking and that makes me (for that moment) not think about myself and what the fuck I'm doing on this planet.

"Net hate" continued...
So to sum up and to try to explain what I think happens. When some one writes shit about me to me, but on for example Thrashers Facebook or my Instagram (or any other public page) a lot of people will see/read it. And that's not nice because it will make them feel like shit. So please if you have to write something negative and you can't hold it in. Just write it straight to me so that NO ONE else needs to see it.
Thanx ☮

ok "net haters"!! I didn't know until recently that hating and writing threatening stuff on the internet is actually illegal. So you have to be careful about what you write. I get hated on on the internet from time to time and I get why. I'm not stupid but I did do something really stupid. I don't need negative comments to feel bad, and to tell me that I've done wrong, and that I'm stupid. I KNOW! So stop spreading negativity. We can't change the past and specially not by posting unkind comments. I do understand that this whole post is also negative (as fuck). What I can do is try my hardest to not repeat the past. What I really wanna do is write unkind shit back to the people that do it to me but I'm not going to do that. But what I will do is post screen shots (and link to their profile on the photo). Not really a nice thing to do either, but I'm not a saint and I think people should stand for what they say/write or just apologize. The more I think about this post the more I think it's wrong. It's wrong because the people in this case that I think are doing wrong are getting notoriety. I don't want sympathy, I just want to show people that I think it's wrong what some people write on the internet.

Okay, oops ! I should have maybe wrote something about the clips. So the one with Arto we were in a village some where south of Barcelona. A Finish homie and his girl friend lived there. I don't remember exactly what we were doing there. Maybe we had been go karting which we did quiet often and the go kart place was also a bit south of Barça. We must have gone to see if there was anything to skate there. I don't think there was really anything, and I would not call that handrail a "skate spot". It was shit and Arto broke his toe... or didn't. The clip with me is in Lyon on the other side of the street from the "famous white banks". I was out with just Fred and photographer Olivier Chassignole. I think that was often who I was out trying to get tricks with during that time. Looking at the clip I can remember the madness happening in my brain. Fucking frustration, no run up, tree-bush-thing and then Michael Jackson visited my brain for some reason. A fucking hellish nightmare but in the sometime fun= skateboarding.

(Klicka bilden)

Day 420
It's now been 420 days since I last smoked weed (or did any kind of drug) And yes I thought it would be fun/funny to smoke on the "420" th day, but I'm not going to. Staying clean and sober has been to much of a good thing to throw away on a number. Also it has been to much hard work and struggle or at leased in the very beginning it was a fucking struggle, it's not so much anymore. And I know exactly what happens when I smoke weed. I get really really lazy, even lazier than what I already am (If that's even possible) And then I get really hungry and just want to eat candy and unhealthy shit, worse shit than what I already eat (if that's even possible). This is what happens to most humans, I've heard it so many times and seen it. I've also heard some say that they get better at doing things when they're stoned. This is an illusion and you only think that because you're stoned and want an excuse to continue being stoned. I don't think you get better at anything. Because I KNOW it's not true. If it was true I would be so fucking good at doing things! I'd been better than Jimmy Page + Eric Clapton at guitar, I'd be better than Eric Koston + Tom Penny at skating and I'd probably be really good at doing dishes and brushing my teeth too. I remember thinking that smoking makes a boring situation a little less boring. But I know why I was in a boring situation in the first place was because I was stoned, and that made me too lazy to do anything.
So weed is not good for me. Even if it is day "420" I will not do it because;
If i smoke it once now, I know I will want to do it all the time and every day forever.
I'm just gonna eat candy and snacks, ("munchies") with out weed to celebrate 420 days clean.
☮

 

Tom Penny SD "chain session"(click on the pic to watch). And yes! That is me rolling away in the background! I'm so glad I got to witness such a fucking gnarly, historical moment. I was fucking there! I was a little kid skating with one of The Best at one of The gnarliest Penny moments I think ever. Blessed. 

Some photos from The Q camera event at Riche.

                                                                       The photo I took in the photo of me taken a photo is this photo?

Okay, for those who think, say or write that I quit skateboarding. And also those who wonder "when are we gonna se you skate?"
First of I did NOT just quit! I don't think not being able to qualifies as quitting. And for someone who might not know,
I almost fucking died! And I had to learn how to walk again.
Mars 7 2007 I was in a motorcycle accident where Shane Cross lost his life. I almost lots my life too. I was in a medically induced coma for proximately 40 days/ 40 nights. I don't know exactly how long. No one knows exactly because I didn't  "just wake up" it happened gradually one day sometimes better than others. A lot of stuff I thought was happening was just me dreaming. But for me it was so real that I can still remember some of the dreams as if it actually happened.
I'm writing this to anyone reading that might think I "just quit" skating(I know there's a few out there). I didn't quit! I fucked up my body really badly. Worst would have to be my brain, which is the main part of your whole existence.
These are just some of the injuries I can think of that I got ;
Multiple skull fractures, broken shoulder, fractured disk in the vertebrae, swelling on the brain. And due to the brain injury I got Heterotophic ossification(click here for Wikipedia link) in my hip joint.
Also due to the brain injury everything with coordination got all mixed up. I remember the firs time I tried to eat with a knife and fork. That did not go so well!
I know Ewan Bowman came to see me one time and he had his camera with him and filmed me a bit. I'm not sure if that was "The First" time I tried to eat with knife and fork but either way he stopped filming. I asked him later why the fuck he would stop filming. Kinda like if you would stop filming someone in the middle of trying a skate trick.
Well he said it was too painful to watch. And he just felt bad filming the misery of me trying to get food in my mouth. Me failing and getting really fucking frustrated and angry, again kinda like filming a skate trick but just really really sad.
So yea skating...I would like to be able to fly down massive stairs like I used to but the sad truth is that i don't know if I will ever be able to. What I can do now though is ; walk, talk the languages I know with out mixing them up, eat with knife and fork and actually get food in to my mouth, play a little bit of guitar and roll down the street on a skateboard. I wouldn't say I can do any of those things well but I can do them. Being sober makes doing those things a little less difficult. If I should film something (even just rolling down the street) I will post it!

I had been talking to Patrik through Facebook about addiction and I told him how I was now sober just over one year. And he seemed optimistic about his situation.
Sep 3rd I got FB messages from Patrik saying stuff like: it goes in periods and better and better however. That would be the last thing he wrote to me. 3 days after that he's not alive anymore. I don't know at this stage exactly how he died but what I do know is that, if (like me) you're an addict and you don't be really fucking careful, and/or manage to quit you will die very soon. I'm so sad that I've lost yet another dear friend. ☮❤∞

The Bug! (Continued) ...

This struck me last night, what does The Bug stand for if anything ?
Actually it does now, B.U.G Beroende, Utan, Gud
It's Swedish which means Addicted/Addict, Without, God.
I have never heard it before so I'm gonna claim it. And it fits in pretty good with what I'm trying to get across.
And yes you read the word God. Fuck that was hard for me to accept that word before. But then I stared thinking about a letter I got in prison from a girl in Arizona and how she wrote that we all have our own God. Ok what's mine then? Well it's a few things but to put it in short it's my deepest, truest conscience. I think that's what she also wrote and I felt how that was true to me too. We all have a conscience which usually means well. And if not, well then we are just an "addict with out God."BUG! (Or possibly a psychopath) When I write "we" by the way, I mean we who are addicts. What I've noticed with people who are not, don't even necessarily need a "God" because they do what's right straight away automatically. Me I did the opposite and thought that was right.
By the way I saw my friend to day, alive and ok. What a relief!

❤∞

 

Some of the letters I got, Thank you so much to everyone that wrote to me.

"The Bug"
I don't think we as human beings actually ever want to die. Even though it can sometimes feel like it. Sometimes feel it so strong that we take our own life. I have felt it! I have also felt so bad that I was sure I would die any second. Then after that second passed and I didn't die, I thought ok, NOW! ...no, ok now...well I didn't die I just felt a bit worse and hoped I would die. Then when I realized and accepted why I felt so shit and in so much pain (physical pain) I could feel my body rotting and burning up at same time from the inside. I thought and promised to my self (and even praying) ; save me and take away this pain just this last time, this one time! And I will NEVER do what I did that caused it again!
I thought that now that I know what cased it that I would never have to feel like that again. Well I don't know how many more times I felt like that again, a lot, I've lost count. It's easy, just don't do it again. NOT easy at all actually. I was sure it was impossible for me. Even seeing friends like Andrew Reynolds do it. Jim Greco and Shane Heyl are also doing it. I still thought; no but I (me) I can't do it. Not me I'm not like them and they're not like me, it's not the same, blah blah blah.
Why did I think I couldn't do it?
Because I'm an addict and "The Bug" in my brain that I have that makes me an addict NEVER wants me to get better. Never EVER, and I know that because even after 405 days free from the shit that made me want to die "The Bug" is still hanging around in my brain.
I have a friend who has helped me through the hardest parts (so far) which was the first 3 months. And then after 9 months " The Bug" took over and this person that I care for a lot is gone back to using. And that is so scary and so sad to see. I know "The Bug" is still hanging around in me because the first thing I thought was; "oh good, well I'm gonna start using too now!"
Even though I know using is not an option or the answer, I still thought it. It was the first thing I thought. It came to me and my brain like by autopilot. But I still didn't do it.
"The Bug" turns us (addicts) into something we don't wanna be and "The Bug" tells us it's ok and fuck them and the world, this is you, this is what you want. I've seen and experienced it with my friend that it's happening to now. It doesn't take long at all. So fast it turns us into fucking monsters and someone who is not really us. I know this but it's still painful and sad when someone you care for is being unkind to you. I told my wife and she said, "well what do you think you were like?" (Or something like that)
That made me think about how unkind I had been and how fucked up I have behaved. I know now that most of it was because I had done everything The Bug had told me straight away. It's not an excuse and I know I have to be really careful and always aware not to become a slave to The Bug again. I know that as soon as I use that's what happens.
The fucking Bug turns me into a fucking monster. And wants to take whoever it can with it to become slave for it. The fucking Bug that tricks me in to believing that I want to become a slave, I want to feel like shit, I want to be unkind, AND I want to want things! It's a one day at a time type thing for me still. And probably for a long time but that's ok because it's better than giving up and giving in.
I pray for you S, please don't let The Bug win and take over your life.

❤∞

Ok a little story that in a way relates to my last one. Amanda was playing with this flashlight and asked; " where does this come from by the way?"  I fund this flashlight somewhere back stage when Fuck Face Unstoppable were here. She quickly threw it away, like what the FUCK!! Really? who knows who's ass that has been in?... Haha, BUT I think I found it somewhere actually behind the scene or somewhere back stage, but it didn't belong to any of them. So I took it only because I wanted it, which was wrong. It probably belongs to some technician or someone like that.
Then before they (FFU) leave Novak gives me this wine glove that someone had given him. But I don't drink (anymore). I took it anyway because it was a gift, and like the flashlight I want it. He said it needs to be passed on, but I don't know who I would pass it on to. "When the time and person is right I guess." (Hopefully never).
One more think that I got that I wanted was for him (Novak) to sign his book Dreamseller that Bam had sent to me when I was looked up. I really enjoyed reading it. I had never really read books before I went to prion and reading that one and a couple of other ones made me realize how good a fucking book can be. So I'm going to write my own book. People have said to me that I should, and I always thought about it but it never happened. But now with the help of a ghost writer it's already in the process.
Why am I writing this? Because I hope it will help me (and maybe someone else hopefully) to not want to want things. Things are just things, why do I want them? I don't know. I don't want to want them anymore.