(Foto: Hugo Lavett/Sveriges Radio)

P4 Dokumentär - Ali Boulala börjar om

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Inspelat hemma hos Sveriges Radio-journalisten Hugo Lavett och hans ostämda gitarr.

(The interview is in swedish)

Today 25 July I've been sober and free from all and any mind altering substances for one year, and it is probably one of the best things I have done.

HOW? H.O.W, is how.

Honesty

Open-mindedness &

Willingness  

No I didn't come up with that. That is from a 12 step program that I've been following and for 1 year I've been going to meetings almost everyday. 

I have "quit" or tried to quit before but never been able to "stay clean". Or just quitting one thing and not EVERYTHING. That didn't work because that just made me double the intake, or switch/replace the substance I still allowed my self to use.

I found all and every excuse so that I would still be able to use something/(anything).

I didn't realize until after I didn't take ANYTHING 

, how badly I was fucking my self up. 

I've thought many times : "Ok this is it I'm gonna quit!" Especially after something bad had happened. Like after getting arrested or a friend had overdosed. Or like losing Shane. 

But I only used more and used those bad things as an excuse to use more, and convincing my self I HAD TO, I NEED to. "I feel like shit, I'm depressed, I need this, I want this"

After quitting all mind altering substances for almost 3 months (for me 74 days exactly) not until then did I feel and notice a difference. 

That fucking time up until I could feel a difference, was absolutely NOT FUN at all for me. It was fucking HELL!! 

But I stuck it out and didn't use anything. I then realized why I had felt so bad, it was the FUCKING DRUGS!! The one thing that I thought I "needed" was the one thing that was fucking me up. 20 (ish) years of using is what made me feel so bad that death was the better option. Death or the only thing I hadn't tried, which was quitting EVERYTHING that altered my mind. That was all I had left to try. 

And I've "tried " for one whole year now and will continue to do so. I need the program to do it because it's an instruction manual to life for me. 

That's "how" I've been able to do it. 

Thank you so much to all the people that has helped and continue to help me everyday. (You know who you are)

Much love

//Ali

❤∞

  Susanne & Max supporting me.

Ok Someone requested that I write about Shane Cross. Or to be more blunt and specific they wrote; I should write about how I killed Shane.

I get these type of messages pretty often. So I'll write about it. 

Mars 6 2007. I was out skating and having a good time with my friend Shane and a group of our friends. I we were filming for the Flip video. After skating we went to Cherry Bar. (Much like most nights) that night they had a quiz night and I apologized to the girl that had organized it. I had behaved badly on one of the things she had organized earlier. I only know that this is the night of the 6th of Mars because someone told me this,( long after the accident. )

After that we all went to Amanda's. 

That's is all I can remember. 

I wanted to do something else, (but that's for some other time)

Everything else from that night that I know is things that I've been told. 

I my self don't remember what exactly happened or how. 

Not because I was to wasted but because I hit my head so hard that I almost died. 

I know we were wasted because I read later ( and the police showed me) that I had a blood alcohol .15 and Shane .18 

Ok now more about why I'm writing this;

I often get angry, negative and sometimes threatening messages/comments. 

I don't think the people that write these horrible things understand how horrible this whole thing has been and still is for me. 

The worst thing about this accident has already happened and someone writing negative things will not change that. 

All that it does is spread hate, anger and negatively.

The very opposite of what Shane and his whole life was about. 

The people that knew him know this so well. 

I understand that people are angry at me and that the whole thing happened. 

I also understand that under anger lies sorrow. 

I know this because I was and still am angry and hate my self for what happened. 

But under that anger and hate, I am actually really really sad. So very sad that I have lost a very dear and loved friend.

❤∞

 In the building and ready?...

In the building and ready...

 Signing in front of God and French priest guy. With both looking on

Signing in front of God! And by the looks of it "he/she or it" is peeking down on it all happening

   

Dirty & Vivianne watching it happen!! 😱

Dirty & Vivianne watching it go down

At the reception some sort of Jewish type stuff happened??

At the reception some sort of Jewish vibe ? happened 

Went to Lokalen & Boon photography to hang out and check the exhibition on bike photos ECMC crew were all there. Then went to pick Amanda up and there they all were again!!!